Coffee House Writing #2

Everyone has earbuds now. Nobody wears ear enveloping headphones anymore. That's unfortunate. Although, I think the reason for earbuds is because they eliminate as much noise as closed ear headphones. I think another reason for earbuds is that they don't mess up your 'do. That is CRITICAL in today's world of being reliant on good hair and everything. Anyways, enough of that. Here is a list of things that I do or do not want to see this year in the MLB season.

1. I don't want anyone new to be named off in a steroid scandal. Ok, we got the best most well recognized player in the game with A-Rod. Stop. The only way it could get worse for baseball at this point is if Jesus Christ came back, played baseball, and Bud Selig immediately had him tested, and it came back positive for a banned substance. The world would implode and Bud Selig would become the face of the devil.

2. I want the Rays to be for real. I don't care if you watch baseball or not, but rooting for the Rays last year was kind of like watching the Bad News Bears, except one season of BNB is about 10 years of Rays-ball. It was perfect up to the final touch in that they didn't win the big one. Which is why they NEED to be real. So they can do it.

3. I want both Ohio teams to best both Chicago teams in their respective divisions and eliminate both from playoff contention. The White Sox have little to no shot in that STACKED division, but the Reds over the Cubs is like a 15 seed over a 2 seed in March Madness. It's unlikely, but if it happened, everyone is in shock. There's no way they would be the betting favorite.

4. I don't want a HR record chase. Sure, Barry's a fraud, but the record is awesome. Leave it alone for at least 40 years.

5. I DO want a formerly untouchable record to be broken. I don't care what record it is and I don't care who does it (Exceptions: BOS and NYY players) as long as it's done. I'd like to see the E.R.A. record broken, personally. It's inhumanly low as is. I want it beat.

6. I want Josh Hamilton to revive the Rangers. He was the feel good story of last year on a team that sucked golf balls through garden hoses. I want them to fight for it's division. They won't win, but I want them scaring the pants off of the A's and the Angels.

7. As an Indians fan, I want Cliff Lee to repeat everything he did last year, and when he plays in inter-league games, I want him to get hits. Basically, I want to be able to say 'C.C. who?'

8. I want there to be a game where at least 4 grand slams are hit. As with the record rule, I don't care who or when, but I want to get on ESPN.com and read something like 'A Grand Old Time in (wherever)'. They should just pay me for that line right now.

9. I don't want any absurdly retarded cross promotions between MLB and anyone. If they can find a damn good partner for commercial making, then more power to them. I just hate watching baseball players trying to act. There is ONE who is even tolerable at it that I've seen, and it's Derek Jeter, and he hardly even talks in his commercials anyways. Speaking of Derek Jeter.....

10. I want the Indians to be the best team in baseball so Grady Sizemore can OFFICIALLY faze out Derek Jeter as the face of MLB. He's a proven commodity when it comes to getting women to watch the game (Grady's Ladies). Let's have a sucky year for the Yankees (4th place finish please?) and a playoff run by the Indians. Boom. Grady, Grady, Grady.

11. I want a World Series who has not won the title a single time since before I was born in 1987. Pretty self explanatory.

12. I want every single player who was signed to a contract entitling him to more than $8 million a year to fail. Miserably. I want every big spender to collectively drop their heads into their hands and sigh, and I want to collect those sighs in a jar that I can open and listen to when I feel sad, just so I can say 'Well, at least I didn't blow $8 million a year for one person to play ball for me.'

13. I don't want another facial hair/hairdo to be blamed/praised for how bad/good someone does. NOTABLE EXCEPTION: Jason Giambi's mantastic mustache of brilliance and light. I feel like clippings from that thing could cure cancer, it's so beautiful.

14. I want a team to wear retro uniforms so bad that they are talked about for years. Teams I feel could pull it off: Oakland A's, Chicago Cubs, Baltimore Orioles, San Francisco Giants, Texas Rangers.

So that's primarily what I want to see out of MLB this season. I'm hoping at least one of these happens so I can reference this later and think about how awesome I am. It doesn't take much.

*Evil Tyler is about to take over this post. Quit reading if you aren't intrigued or don't want to see Evil Tyler*

So right now I've got a song by Sonic Youth playing on the iPod, and I'm really curious to sometime try writing and ONLY listening to Sonic Youth. No skips of songs, just straight Sonic Youth and see what madness I write, because right now even the sounds are grating and it makes me want to write about absolutely insane things that I can't even comprehend off the top of my head. I just envision twisted corpses in a playground setting. Evil teddy bears. Mounds of jelly. Just absolutely asinine things. I'm not sure if Stephen King or Clive Barker write in silence, but I'm sure Sonic Youth helps. A LOT. Anyways, since I'm listening to a happy song I'm gonna quit. You can expect that inner evil writing someday. It IS coming. I actually am excited for it. It's too tempting not to do it. I don't even want to stop writing when I do it. I just want to let whatever comes to the pen be put on paper. Oh my gosh. Sonic Youth is my outer vessel. This must be mildly what Heath Ledger felt like when he played the Joker, or at least what he felt like when he trapped himself in a hotel room, secluding himself from society.

Boy, this sure descended quickly from happy baseball talk to evil Tyler talk. I feel like it's my alternate pen. Like a Thad Beaumont/George Stark type. Actually, no it's not. That's too weird to think about. I'm in a Daydream Nation.

*Evil Tyler is gone for now.*

Alright, good Tyler is back, I promise. Good happy song is on and I can feel the sweetness filling me again. It scares me that something so small can just completely change my mindset for the length of a song, and don't worry, I fully realize that's what happened. I haven't always been this little evil guy, but I would be lying if I wasn't curious to let him out of his cage for a few pages. I think I'll wait at least a week.

And thus concludes Blog 2 from the Coffee House Writings. My soundtrack for this evening has been as follows:

NYC - Interpol
Heart and Lungs - Beach House
Saltwater - Beach House
Publish My Love - Rogue Wave
The Body Says No - The New Pornographers
No One's Gonna Love You - Band of Horses
The Great Salt Lake - Band of Horses
Your Eyes Open - Keane
Sparks - Coldplay
You - Rogue Wave
The World at Large - Modest Mouse
Squalor Victoria - The National
I'm Insane - Sonic Youth
The Walk - Imogen Heap
Tunic (Song for Karen) - Sonic Youth
Breeze - Lush

I recommend them all.............but only the bold should try the Sonic Youth.

Coffee House Writing #1

I went to Starbucks earlier because I took a 2 hour nap today and realized I was not going to waste my night in my apartment. I took along the following items:

Notebook
Pen
iPod
Skull Candy Headphones

This seemed like it was all I really needed to make a totally sweet writing entry. It worked. I'm only going to write these blog entries at coffee places from here on out and I'm only going to take those 4 items. I might even leave my phone at my apartment next time, just because I don't think I should be disturbed. Anyways, on to the epic writing that you are about to partake in reading. If there are any spelling errors or omissions please let me know, I'm trying to make this as readable as I can......outside of it's absurd length, of course. Read in shifts. My favorite part about this whole thing is you can tell when I stopped caring about building a true story about feelings and the like and just started writing about random crap.

*Note: This is written (with about 2 exceptions) EXACTLY how I wrote down in my notebook, so you are basically reading RAW Tyler writing.*

7:40 - I have arrived at Starbucks and what is the first thing I notice? Including the workers, I am one of 5 people here. Ok, that's a lie. The first thing I noticed actually happened before I walked in the door. There is a fairly cute girl sitting by herself in the front corner of the store by herself, doing homework. It was an immediate 'Well if this isn't just the motivation I need' moment, that I will soon forget. Probably. Because instead of almost instantly striking up conversation like a typical single person to another potentially single person on Valentine's Day, I have instead elected to put on my headphones and seclude myself in my always reliable world of music. Maybe I'm waiting for the perfect song to come on and officially totally jack me up to be like 'LET'S FRICKIN' DO THIS!' and it's not like I haven't already thrown down the Pixies or Oasis on the iPod as a fantastic motivation tool. Actually, truth be told, I'm just trying to think of the perfect icebreaker. Seeing as it's Valentine's Day, the perfect ice breaker IN THEORY would be the absolutely gay and overdone 'So what's a pretty/cute/hot/attractive girl like you doing by yourself on this glorious love holiday?' Well that's retarded.

My logic is that you have GOT to say something that will make a splash. Lasting first impressions are important. Our eyes have met. So the chance is there. I'm writing really fast right now in tempo with the song that I'm listening to that's getting me excited and really jacked up. Not like football jacked up. Like I AM going to talk to this girl jacked up. I can barely read what I'm writing. My letters are all intertwining. I'm making spelling errors. I'm omitting letters. My pen is running into one long autograph like line of writing. Second Pixies song. Slow your roll NOT. Oh my golly, oh my golly. Makes me want to kick something! 8 minutes. How long does it take to think of the perfect ice breaker for someone who is good at this when he's not really freaked out? I'm gonna guess about 45 seconds, but it's never perfect. It's just an iced breaker.

*Between this line and the next, I get up, refill my water, and go to talk to the girl. Take all the time you need to applaud and cheer. Go ahead, I'll wait.*

*Done? Alright, we can continue.*

8:21 - Her name is Emily. It could have gone better because I'm still sitting by myself. I did talk to her, though. She's studying for a history midterm. She doesn't like history which boggles my mind. History is awesome. But then she said she's a biology major and it made a little more sense. Biology is gross times infinity, but to each their own. She seems nice enough from I gathered. Listening to The Doors to slow myself down. Still on a mild adrenaline rush. You know it doesn't seem like that big of a deal to most people but this to me is HUGE because I'm not a go up and introduce myself type. I meet through friends or when I'm in a small group where I basically to mingle. So to talk to a total stranger is excellent for me. So overall, it wasn't a great success, but it could have gone much worse. We had a nice chat for a few minutes and that's that. I'm sure she'll have forgotten by tomorrow, and I probably won't, but for different reasons. Emily represents me GETTING OVER THE HUMP of not being able to go up and introduce myself to strangers. Will I still have moments of not doing anything, of course. But that first time you do it is a big time changer. Good grief, look at me. I'm a 21 year old walking vagina.

Ok, so now the night wasn't a loss for TWO reasons. The first I've already gone way over. The second requires a mild back story. So far tonight I've only had water. Well, the barista just came up and offered me a mess up. I'm pretty sure it's an oreo cookie frapp of some kind. It's cookies of some kind and it's a frapp and it's good. That's all that matters. So now I"m gonna juiced up on caffeine and adrenaline. At this rate my heart will explode by 10 p.m. (*Update: It didn't*) and this story will never make it's intended destination, as a blog on Facebook. You know, I should consider an actual blogging site. Not xanga, though. that's too high school-y. Like, get a blog and see if it can have a hit counter, make it semi-professional looking. I'll link it off of Facebook. Man, I'm a freaking genius, and it's not like a bejesus load of people didn't think of this before or anything.

I should try invading UC's cafeteria sometime. Just sit down at a random group of people's table and use the glorious Scrubs line. I AM YOUR NEW FRIEND, SO SUCK IT. Chances are that would work for no other reason than SURELY someone at that table will have seen Scrubs. I mean, really, if you haven't then you're just an idiot.

So how about it would be absolutely awesome to have Jerry Garcia's beard? I WANT THAT BEARD! I wonder how long it took him to grow it. I think the only thing better would be Jerry Garcia in a pouch, but that guy from Half Baked already used it, so I have to settle for the beard.

I'm also curious as to how many girls got to see a chick flick tonight courtesy of a tolerant boyfriend and how many guys got to see Friday the 13th courtesy of a totally awesome girlfriend. If you have a girlfriend who WANTED to see Friday the 13th and you don't owe her with a chick flick next weekend or a romantic dinner or whatever, then you. You can notch one up in the 'W' column.

So the more I listen to the Butthole Surfers, I feel like they could be considered 'Sonic Youth Lite'. A lot of their songs are just loud, noisy, incoherent, and somehow absolutely listenable. Yet they just don't have the same weird appeal as Sonic Youth. Maybe it's the name. Maybe they weren't as good soon enough. Whatever the case, if you want the 2 noisiest bands that are GOOD, you can definitely qualify these 2. I would put the Pixies but they aren't as edgy. They're more punk based than LOUD based. Speaking of loud, my Skull Candy headphones FREAKING RULE. They have more bass than my car with a better sound. Worth EVERY SINGLE CENT I paid for them. Thank you Circuit City for closing. Oh yeah, they look mind-numbingly badass, too. I mean, when they're freaking modeled after Metallica and Death Magnetic, how can they not look super rock awesome. I just listened to a basstastic song and felt my feet pulsing. Now that's how great these headphones are.

So I just viewed a Valentine's Day gift exchanging between a couple and it was really cute. It seemed like the guy mildly took the easy way out and just got her a diary, but she reacted favorably enough that she either really likes that stuff or she's a great faker. But, seriously. A diary? Even if I have a girlfriend who tells me POINT BLANK 'Tyler, I want a cute diary as a Valentine's Day present', I would still debate about getting it. I feel like diary is Number 3 in the Top 5 overbought Valentine's Day items. Actually, maybe 4th. Because it's

1. Chocolate
2. Flowers
3. Cards
4. Diaries
5. Stuffed Animals

Somehow they're still the best received, though, so let's just keep it up guys. They're still digging our absolutely weak ass gifts.

So I'm listening to Audioslave right now and it reminded me that I'm compiling another list I like to entitle 'My Top 25 Favorite Song Conclusions'. It's a fairly straightforward concept that just lists my favorite song conclusions. I can tell you this much since I just mentioned Audioslave. Chris Cornell is on the list at least twice, with 2 different bands. If you don't know who the other band is, start some back cataloging in the GRUNGE section of your iTunes and prepare to have your face melted by my second favorite rock singer's voice of all time behind only the immortal Robert Plant, who is essentially Chris Cornell in a 70's band. So really, I should say Chris Cornell is Robert Plant thrown in a wood chipper, but still awesome. No, not that, either. I can't really compare these 2 nicely like I want to and not have someone COMPLETELY outraged at actually having the balls to compare ANYONE to Robert Plant. Well, I do and I did.

And thus concludes Blog 1 from the Coffee House Writings. My soundtrack for this evening has been as follows:

No. 13 Baby - The Pixies
Champagne Supernova - Oasis
New Way Home - Foo Fighters
Oh My Golly! - The Pixies
La Villa Strangiato - Rush
L.A. Woman - The Doors
The Camera Eye - Rush
Space Cowboy - The Steve Miller Band
Funk #49 - The James Gang
Alabama Getaway - The Grateful Dead
Go Your Own Way - Fleetwood Mac
L.A. - The Butthole Surfers
Cure for the Itch - Linkin Park
New World Man - Rush
Show Me How to Live - Audioslave
Pretty Noose - Soundgarden
The Trees - Rush

I recommend all of them.

OUT!