Coffee House Writing #2

Everyone has earbuds now. Nobody wears ear enveloping headphones anymore. That's unfortunate. Although, I think the reason for earbuds is because they eliminate as much noise as closed ear headphones. I think another reason for earbuds is that they don't mess up your 'do. That is CRITICAL in today's world of being reliant on good hair and everything. Anyways, enough of that. Here is a list of things that I do or do not want to see this year in the MLB season.

1. I don't want anyone new to be named off in a steroid scandal. Ok, we got the best most well recognized player in the game with A-Rod. Stop. The only way it could get worse for baseball at this point is if Jesus Christ came back, played baseball, and Bud Selig immediately had him tested, and it came back positive for a banned substance. The world would implode and Bud Selig would become the face of the devil.

2. I want the Rays to be for real. I don't care if you watch baseball or not, but rooting for the Rays last year was kind of like watching the Bad News Bears, except one season of BNB is about 10 years of Rays-ball. It was perfect up to the final touch in that they didn't win the big one. Which is why they NEED to be real. So they can do it.

3. I want both Ohio teams to best both Chicago teams in their respective divisions and eliminate both from playoff contention. The White Sox have little to no shot in that STACKED division, but the Reds over the Cubs is like a 15 seed over a 2 seed in March Madness. It's unlikely, but if it happened, everyone is in shock. There's no way they would be the betting favorite.

4. I don't want a HR record chase. Sure, Barry's a fraud, but the record is awesome. Leave it alone for at least 40 years.

5. I DO want a formerly untouchable record to be broken. I don't care what record it is and I don't care who does it (Exceptions: BOS and NYY players) as long as it's done. I'd like to see the E.R.A. record broken, personally. It's inhumanly low as is. I want it beat.

6. I want Josh Hamilton to revive the Rangers. He was the feel good story of last year on a team that sucked golf balls through garden hoses. I want them to fight for it's division. They won't win, but I want them scaring the pants off of the A's and the Angels.

7. As an Indians fan, I want Cliff Lee to repeat everything he did last year, and when he plays in inter-league games, I want him to get hits. Basically, I want to be able to say 'C.C. who?'

8. I want there to be a game where at least 4 grand slams are hit. As with the record rule, I don't care who or when, but I want to get on ESPN.com and read something like 'A Grand Old Time in (wherever)'. They should just pay me for that line right now.

9. I don't want any absurdly retarded cross promotions between MLB and anyone. If they can find a damn good partner for commercial making, then more power to them. I just hate watching baseball players trying to act. There is ONE who is even tolerable at it that I've seen, and it's Derek Jeter, and he hardly even talks in his commercials anyways. Speaking of Derek Jeter.....

10. I want the Indians to be the best team in baseball so Grady Sizemore can OFFICIALLY faze out Derek Jeter as the face of MLB. He's a proven commodity when it comes to getting women to watch the game (Grady's Ladies). Let's have a sucky year for the Yankees (4th place finish please?) and a playoff run by the Indians. Boom. Grady, Grady, Grady.

11. I want a World Series who has not won the title a single time since before I was born in 1987. Pretty self explanatory.

12. I want every single player who was signed to a contract entitling him to more than $8 million a year to fail. Miserably. I want every big spender to collectively drop their heads into their hands and sigh, and I want to collect those sighs in a jar that I can open and listen to when I feel sad, just so I can say 'Well, at least I didn't blow $8 million a year for one person to play ball for me.'

13. I don't want another facial hair/hairdo to be blamed/praised for how bad/good someone does. NOTABLE EXCEPTION: Jason Giambi's mantastic mustache of brilliance and light. I feel like clippings from that thing could cure cancer, it's so beautiful.

14. I want a team to wear retro uniforms so bad that they are talked about for years. Teams I feel could pull it off: Oakland A's, Chicago Cubs, Baltimore Orioles, San Francisco Giants, Texas Rangers.

So that's primarily what I want to see out of MLB this season. I'm hoping at least one of these happens so I can reference this later and think about how awesome I am. It doesn't take much.

*Evil Tyler is about to take over this post. Quit reading if you aren't intrigued or don't want to see Evil Tyler*

So right now I've got a song by Sonic Youth playing on the iPod, and I'm really curious to sometime try writing and ONLY listening to Sonic Youth. No skips of songs, just straight Sonic Youth and see what madness I write, because right now even the sounds are grating and it makes me want to write about absolutely insane things that I can't even comprehend off the top of my head. I just envision twisted corpses in a playground setting. Evil teddy bears. Mounds of jelly. Just absolutely asinine things. I'm not sure if Stephen King or Clive Barker write in silence, but I'm sure Sonic Youth helps. A LOT. Anyways, since I'm listening to a happy song I'm gonna quit. You can expect that inner evil writing someday. It IS coming. I actually am excited for it. It's too tempting not to do it. I don't even want to stop writing when I do it. I just want to let whatever comes to the pen be put on paper. Oh my gosh. Sonic Youth is my outer vessel. This must be mildly what Heath Ledger felt like when he played the Joker, or at least what he felt like when he trapped himself in a hotel room, secluding himself from society.

Boy, this sure descended quickly from happy baseball talk to evil Tyler talk. I feel like it's my alternate pen. Like a Thad Beaumont/George Stark type. Actually, no it's not. That's too weird to think about. I'm in a Daydream Nation.

*Evil Tyler is gone for now.*

Alright, good Tyler is back, I promise. Good happy song is on and I can feel the sweetness filling me again. It scares me that something so small can just completely change my mindset for the length of a song, and don't worry, I fully realize that's what happened. I haven't always been this little evil guy, but I would be lying if I wasn't curious to let him out of his cage for a few pages. I think I'll wait at least a week.

And thus concludes Blog 2 from the Coffee House Writings. My soundtrack for this evening has been as follows:

NYC - Interpol
Heart and Lungs - Beach House
Saltwater - Beach House
Publish My Love - Rogue Wave
The Body Says No - The New Pornographers
No One's Gonna Love You - Band of Horses
The Great Salt Lake - Band of Horses
Your Eyes Open - Keane
Sparks - Coldplay
You - Rogue Wave
The World at Large - Modest Mouse
Squalor Victoria - The National
I'm Insane - Sonic Youth
The Walk - Imogen Heap
Tunic (Song for Karen) - Sonic Youth
Breeze - Lush

I recommend them all.............but only the bold should try the Sonic Youth.